29Gifters have amazing stories to tell! Please post those stories here so we can all be inspired by your experience and add a comment. Stories can be 1500-2000 words in length, and will be considered for the 10th Anniversary Edition of 29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life. Do you have a story that shows the transformative and magical experience of giving and receiving?
The biggest gift of my life came as a huge surprise. His name is Henry Zane Walker-Foster. My sweet son who turned three on March 5th, 2016. The night I gave birth—an emergency c-section under general anesthesia—was dramatic, to say the least. My potassium and magnesium bottomed out and Henry arrived on this planet six weeks early. Who knew such a magical being could arrive in a tiny bundle. Since I don’t have a single memory of the actual birth thanks to the anesthesia, it was baffling to wake up a little blue swaddled baby on my chest.
My second husband and I were not planning to have any children, and I did not enjoy pregnancy. My son is a miracle because we both almost died getting him here. I was 39 when I made a mistake with my birth control one month. I vomited so much during the week prior to when my period was due, I suspected immediately I was pregnant, in addition to the “morning sickness”—which really lasted all day. My breasts and belly were swollen and I felt some general tiredness. The fatigue was normal for me due to my multiple sclerosis. The other symptoms were too much to ignore.
I had a history of miscarriages, so worried, I went to my general practitioner on a Monday. She examined me and did a blood test. The results were negative. She also told me I had a blood condition called RH-, which means there are pathogens in my blood that attacked the fetus. Thus the explanation for my four miscarriages. She gave me a shot of a drug that was supposed to protect a fetus, if I decided to carry a child.
When my doctor came back with results--not pregnant. I was relieved. I was taking a lot of medication, including a once-a-month IV infusion for my MS. All of my doctors recommended not trying to move forward with a pregnancy, but my heart would not let me let go of the idea that, maybe, somehow a child would be part of my future. I was working as a freelance motivational speaker, traveling a lot to tell the 29 Gifts Story. My second husband, and I were living in Santa Cruz. I flew out to do a speaking gig and when I got home Thursday my period was now late and I was still puking. I did not know it at the time, but it would be my last speaking gig after three years of traveling I would literally be grounded.
I went to the doctor again, this time with my husband. My regular doctor was booked so we saw an older guy who didn’t know my history of miscarriage. He came back in after the blood test was done smiling.
“The test was positive. You’re pregnant, congratulations.”
My response was to burst into tears in shock “Oh, my God! We can’t have a baby.” Then I ran out of the exam room. My husband got me calmed down a little in the truck on the way home. “Maybe we will be a family,” I said to him hopefully.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but carrying Henry would be the biggest accomplishment of my life, and we would not look like your typical family. My (now separated) husband was a drinker. He was a binge drinker. He would stay sober for weeks, but would then go on a bender. It made getting through the pregnancy even more challenging.
My first concern was to get into my regular GP within days. She told me I needed to go off several of my medications, but she wanted me to stay on my pain meds. My age, MS and slightly nutso tendencies combined with the hormonal mess I became would prove to make it a rocky road, to say the least. I considered aborting the baby, and two times had procedures scheduled, and each time I couldn’t make myself go through with it. I knew the little boy growing in my belly would be even harder than it was to write and publish my fist book, 29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change your Life. I often describe the process of writing book as being “pregnant” and “giving birth.”
After consulting with some OB specialists, my husband and I made the commitment to see the pregnancy through to the end because there was a little being growing in my belly who deserved a chance at life.
I got a very bad infection in legs from walking barefoot on a hospital floor, which put me on bedrest after a 10 day hospital stay while they pumped liters of IV antibiotics into my veins trying to save both me and the baby. I also developed dangerously high blood pressure, yet another complication. I found myself needing a wheelchair for the first time and was put on bedrest, which was a huge challenge for someone who was used to flying all over the country speaking for MS Society and other organizations.
Our team of doctors saw me through several psychiatric hospitalizations in Santa Cruz until they suggested we move home to the Midwest where we had family support. We decided we would make Denver home again. My parents and one of my two sisters lived just three hours away in Western Nebraska. My husband had a brother in Denver. Denver was where we met. I arrived VERY pregnant and very mentally unstable on Christmas eve 2013 by plane and my parents picked me up in Denver. My husband stayed in Santa Cruz with the huge task of pack up what we could bring back.
I was kept on opiates-- wich i dont take today because the extra 45 pounds, my MS and the high blood pressure combined left me in constant pain. My ex and I were struggling in our relationship due to his alcoholism and my hormonally induced insanity; there was abuse on both sides. But one thing we agreed on was to do we would get this little being to the planet. I was shocked when the ER ushered us straight upstairs to Labor and Delivery. The lead doc on the team came in with the anesthesiologist, saying they were going to have to change our plan.
The birth plan was to be admitted to the hospital for two or three days so the doctors could take me off certain meds, then have a c-section. Henry had other plans. Instead my ex rushed me to the ER because I started having contractions and after talking to the team of doctors, they decided to deliver right away because both the baby and I were in danger. This would mean a month long stay in to the hospital for tiny Henry as he was slowly detoxed on Methadone, fed through a tube and generally cared for by the nurses in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. My mother rushed to Denver and between my husband, myself and my mom, one of us with Henry much of the time. I could not get out of bed so the nurses would bring little Henry in so I could hold and bond with him.
The morning after waking up a new mother, a social worker, showed up in my room. I was still heavily sedated and thought she worked for the hospital. Kathy Jeffery, she was a small black woman with serious attitude. She handed me a business Card and it said she was with the Department of Human Services. She started asking me questions about why Henry was born addicted, which made me uncomfortable. I told her my doctors were all aware of all all substances I was on and that, including the opiates and medical marijuana she seemed concerned. I also told her I wasn’t feeling well enough to talk and that I would feel most comfortable having an attorney present before I answered more questions. I knew DHS was child protective services, and they had the power take my son.
The truth is my husband and I were not prepared to be parents. We were living off my disability income (both unemployed). Plus there were police reports from the domestic violence. I knew as I listened to the DHS investigator question my husband and mother outside my room. I recall yelling at them several times to NOT answer questions without a lawyer, but they didn’t listen. My disruptive behavior earned me a “sitter” which was a security guard who sat in my room and recorded every time I peed, who came and went from the room and what was said. I made it my mission to befriend the guards. One drew me a picture of an angel. Another Left me a little cross. Another bought Henry a tiny shirt with the hospital logo on it. The nurses were also phenomenal. Despite my best efforts and doctor care, my mental condition deteriorated as the stress of DHS intervention continued and post-pardum depression took over. I went into the bell jar and saw no way out. Depression so crushing. I do not even remember giving birth to my son, but I’ll never forget the day I was told by Kathy Jeffery and some other social workers and doctors who were supposed to be looking out for the best interest of my “case” filed into my hospital room and told me to temporarily sign over my rights to Henry. He was finally eating on his own and, though still on methadone he was deemed healthy enough for the hospital to release him into the care of two foster parents who had six other kids. My husband and I were crushed by the state’s decision. We spent six months together after the birth, visiting Henry weekly together for two or three hours a week.
When Henry was six months I had another mental breakdown because my husband told he was leaving me. I ended up in an institution for two weeks this time. When I got home, the house was cleared out the house of everything in our nursery – the crib, the bottles for feeding. Everything. He took the bed from our spare room, one of our sofas. There was a sticky note on our little family picture that said, “I love you. You will be ok.—K”
He told me over the phone while I was locked up that he was leaving me to pursue custody of Henry on his own. By this point, Henry had been moved to a second foster home where he was an only child. He really thrived in their care. He was off the methadone and growing, though he was still small for his age. This couple taught Henry to swim as an infant and showered him with love because they wanted to adopt him. The caseworkers for the state had told us Henry would be adopted when he turned a year If one of us could not parent him.
One day, I had an emotional breakdown in the bathroom after one of the visits. The case workers called 911 and I was taken to the hospital and placed on yet another mental health hold. This time I was out before the 72 hour hold expired. I came home and realized the friend who I had asked to look over my house had actually stolen my credit card and charged it up and he took and pawned my wedding and engagement rings from Kevin, a computer, several digital video cameras, two expensive cell phones, countless other items, my identity and dignity. Neighbors told me he had a party and there was a parade of shady both men and women in and out of my house. I had to call the police to have him removed from my home.
I would later realize this friend had a problem with meth and had a relapse during this time. I should never have trusted him to look over the house I can see now, but hind sight is 20/20. I found the pawn receipt at one point while trying to put my house back together and called them. Nothing was left and the police did nothing with any of the information I provided. They had bigger fish to fry than catching this guy.
This story isn’t done but wanted to post it… will update it later...
Occasionally I get to work with famous people. Angelique Kidjo came to see me via a French restaurateur I have known for many years. She and Angelique have known each other for an equally long time. Angelique was in town for a performance at Zellerbach Hall in Berkeley, touring and stressed, so my friend sent her in for a massage and healing session. Angelique was exhausted. Months of touring through many different cities, keeping odd hours, sleeping in hotels and handling ‘road’ food were wearing enough. Back home in Benin, her father and one of her brothers were dying. And Angelique could not yet go home. She talked about her life and her inner conflict between her current commitments to appearances and to being with her loved ones. It was easy for me to think she could just chuck it and say, “I have to be with my family.” I would. My job was not to push her (life was doing that), but to help her to relax and to let go of her stressful attachment to time and space and people for a short time. After her treatment I walked Angelique out to the car, where she immediately got on the phone. I felt a bit sad thinking how little control she had over her life. Had my French been up to par, it might have registered with me that she was calling to arrange a ticket for me to her performance that evening. Chagrined, I realized how little time “off” she had just had, and yet she did not hesitate to get on the phone to do something for me. I saw a few more clients that day for massage and spiritual coaching. I finished about 7 that evening without much energy left for more than a meal and a walk around the block. But a small insistent voice inside urged me to go to Angelique’s performance. By the time I arrived and found a spot for my car on the north side of the Berkeley campus, I was very late, certain I had missed most, if not all of the show. That night Zellerbach thrummed with happy, dancing, jumping and howling folks of all ages, colors and sizes. Within minutes of my arrival, Angelique introduced the band (each player from a different African country), and gave each time to display their talent and share the unique sound from their culture. She talked about the roots of rhythm reaching the heart of all cultures, the power of music to unite people around the world. After another exciting piece, she stopped again to talk with the audience. A hush stole over the room as she told us to be kind to one another, that if we are to change fear to love in the world, we must begin in our hearts and at home, and to remember to actively, deliberately “love the people you love and tell them you love them often, today…” because “you never know when (if) you will see them again.” I realized then what a great and noble act Angelique is in all aspects of her life. She did not dramatize or bare her personal grief and emotional conflict. Instead, she gave us a powerful reminder of our slender connections to this life and to those we love. It struck me that she had transformed her personal tragedy (the immanent deaths in her family) to a universal call to active love and unity, to be real in relationship, and to heal the old wounds that separate us from one another. I was humbled to realize how one person can influence thousands of people all over the world, every day through her music and messages of love, peace, justice and compassion. In Shamanic Healing work we often drum for others. Our teacher encourages us to “put people on the drum” as a way to build power and transfer or send that energy to those in need. Angelique’s concert was such a building and transference of power—the power of love. The evening soared to and end with a hundred or more people cramming onto the stage to dance with Angelique--children, grandmas, guys in suits, hippies, students--a fairly complete slice of humanity. I would have joined them but for the hundreds more jamming the aisles, dancing and whooping all around me, gleefully blocking my path to the stage. The joyful uproar of drums and voices had shaken the tension and smallness out of me and I gladly lost myself in the crowd.
When I graduated massage school in 1991, I told my class that my goal was to heal the world, one massage at a time. I believe that each of us hold the power to change each other’s lives in some small way. Small things become big things. I figured each person who received a relaxing, rejuvenating massage would go home a kinder and gentler citizen, a more loving spouse, a more present parent, a more self-respecting being. Imagine hundreds and thousands of people transmitting and receiving love, peace, charity, encouragement, justice and hope. Keep going. Imagine the small changes making bigger changes in the way we treat each other as nations, ultimately to how we relate to the living entity that provides everything we need for life: Earth.
Some of the greatest service we offer to one another is in our transformed pain. This is the path of the wounded healer in action--to take our perception of injury, apply the magic of personal alchemy (time+pressure+insight+courage) and work it into a blessing for another. As we heal deep emotional pain, we open to deeper love, an energy that travels back and forward in time, changing our self-concept and rippling out into our sphere of humans. Thank you for reminding me why I am here! And Brava, Angelique!
People often ask me how Mark and I broke up. This answers that question. This is an older story of mine--one that might make it into our 10th Anniversary Edition of 29 Gifts.
You Have to Ride the Waves of Life Cami Walker
In 2009, after six months of cloistering myself to get the 29 Gifts manuscript done, I was spent on every level, physical, emotional and spiritual. I called one of my best friends, Lisa, and begged her to come visit me in L.A. for two weeks. I missed her long dreads and smiling face. Lisa also has MS, but at the time was undiagnosed. We met in the mid-nineties when we were both single living in San Francisco. We connected through a yoga teacher and holistic women’s counselor, Darshana Weill, who helped us both overcome food and body image issues. Lisa and I immediately began hosting dinners at each other’s houses and attending yoga classes together. After nearly a decade of close friendship, Lisa took off to travel all over Asia for a year and returned to settle in Arizona working on an organic farm. After communicating via occasional phone calls, I was missing my dear friend. Plus I wanted to put her skills as a trained chef to work in my own kitchen.
I was excited to learn that the founder of the healing center where Lisa worked in Arizona was leading a workshop at a large Los Angeles church, Agape Spiritual Center. Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith, the founder of Agape Spiritual Center, would be co-leading a week-long juice cleanse. I had read and followed Dr. Beckwith’s work for some time, so I eagerly registered for the 7-Day Juice Fast for Peace. Lisa signed up too and we spent the week to reconnect, relax and renew. Lisa made it through the entire seven days only drinking the yummy green juice made in five gallon buckets each morning. I did not. I had to supplement with solid food each time I went into detox because it triggered my MS symptoms.
I was nervous the first day of the workshop, but felt reassured to have Lisa at my side. Dr. Michael Beckwith led one of the introductory sessions and I felt inspired to raise my hand when he asked us why we chose to attend. “I just finished writing my first book,” I shared. My voice was so quiet that Michael walked over and handed me his microphone. He asked me to stand up. I did. He led me up to the front of the room. I looked out at seventy strangers and nearly gagged on my own tongue. Then my eyes locked on my friend Lisa and I just spoke to her through the microphone.
“I just finished writing my first book,” I repeated. “It has been a solitary process and I feel like I am coming out of a cocoon. I’m here to start making contact with people again. This book could take me around the country talking to large audiences of people. I'm nervous about that.”
The room was silent while Michael watched me standing, still shaking a bit with nervousness. “Let’s give her some practice,” Michael yelled. “Everyone stand up and give Cami her first standing ovation.”
Everyone in the room stood up and began to clap and cheer. Michael had to reach out and steady me. “Just take in the love. All is well,” he said quietly.
As the crowd stomped and clapped and yelled, I began to settle into myself and feel their enthusiasm for me. These people supported me because I was allowing them to be present with me. It was a profound moment when I realized the positive energy from others could be harnessed and turned into fuel for my spirit.
By the end of the standing ovation I was standing tall, smiling big and laughing into the microphone. Silence settled over the room and I felt myself take a deep breath and release with it stores pent up exhaustion. “Thank you,” I said into the microphone before I handed it back to Michael and returned to my seat.
In October 2009—two months after my “practice” standing ovation at Agape, the 29 Gifts hardcover was released and I made my television debut live on NBC’s Today Show. I arrived at the studio in New York City with only 30 minutes to spare before my interview with then Today Show host, Meredith Vieira. My agent, Rita, and then-husband, Mark ushered me inside to the green room, already packed with guests and their supporters. I remember being tense because I felt some major fractures in my relationship with Mark that he and I had not acknowledged out loud.
The show was broadcasting live onto a big TV mounted on the far wall. There was a table piled high with pastries, coffee and the other goodies you expect to see in this setting. I was too nervous to eat, but sipped on a small cup of water. All too soon, a makeup artist rushed me into a chair in the dressing area. She dabbed at my face with some powder, added some color to my lips and suggested I remove the sparkly clip in my hair. “It will be too distracting in the light.” I obediently reached up to remove the offending adornment.
A stylist placed a few stray hairs back into place across my forehead and deemed me camera ready, even though I did not feel ready. Ready or not, I stepped out into a new world of being known.
When I step into the studio I am surprised that so many people can fit into such a small space. There are three sets. Stage center is occupied by Rod Stuart and his band, all standing quietly awaiting their cue. The producer for my segment walks me to stage right, which has two arm chairs separated by a small table. I make a space on the table to set the gift I brought for Meredith. It is a small brown box with bright blue ribbons bursting off the top. Stage left is where the action is right now. Dan Ackroyd sits with Matt Lauer and discusses his new book.
Though I spent years in advertising “behind the camera” nothing could prepare for the nervous jitters percolating in my body. I have never met a celebrity, so I am awed to occupy the same square footage as these superstars. I take a few deep breaths and focus my energy internally for a few seconds. I say a silent prayer, asking to be a channel of faith and light.
Meredith sits down across from me and reaches over to shake my hand. She quietly thanks me for making the trip from the west coast. We wait for Matt and Dan to wrap up their discussion and the next thing I know my short segment is counted down. “3 – 2 – 1- Action,” says the director and I am facing my first television camera. I watch a quick introductory segment the show produced to give an overview of the 29 Gifts story. It is nicely done, I note happily.
As soon as I begin talking with Meredith, my nerves settle and we have a pleasant five-minute exchange. The conversation feels natural and the interview closes with an impromptu gift exchange as Meredith hands me a bouquet of white roses and I give her my small box, which includes a 29 Gifts Journal, magnet, mirror and a few other small trinkets. After our segment wraps, Rod Stuart and his band break into a lovely version of Maggie Mae and I sit with Meredith to enjoy the brief show. The song closes and they cut to commercial and clear the set. I am standing next to Meredith again, talking, when Rod Stuart walks up, puts an arm around me and says, “That was a lovely interview. I am going to buy your book.”
I stare dumbly at him, unable to produce a single word beyond, “Thank you.”
Rod’s arm stays firmly anchored across my shoulders as we walk out of the studio together. A swarm of women rush toward us and I am baffled by how quickly he disappears. My agent, Rita, sees Rod exit and rushes over to where I am standing. “Please tell me you are never going to wash your shoulder again,” she jokes with me. I leave the Today Show studio feeling good about the interview, but not realizing how important it will be in my life until one week later. I come back home to Hollywood, California and face the harsh realization that my marriage with Mark is over. After lots of trying to make things work in our relationship, we have both finally given up. I am brokenhearted and grieving the morning my telephone rings and my editor, Katie McHugh, greets me. I do not tell her about the break up. I am not ready to talk about it. Nobody knows except me, Mark and our immediate families.
“Hi, Cami,” says Katie cheerfully. “I’m calling you with some good news.”
“I could use some good news. What’s up?”
“I’m happy to tell you that 29 Gifts is a New York Times Bestseller.”
Stunned silence from me.
“Congratulations,” continues Katie. “We are all so excited. 29 Gifts topped out at number 18 in overall nonfiction on the Times list. We were the second best-selling memoir on Amazon.com last week.”
“How?” I stutter into the phone. “How is this possible?”
“People are buying the book and loving it. Congrats, Cami.”
“Thanks, God, for that angel Meredith Vieira.” I responded and we both laugh.
I hung up wondering how it was possible to feel completely elated and totally defeated all at once. Not only had I just realized my life-long dream of becoming an author, but I was now a New York Times best-selling author. Unbelievable. I did a little jig around my apartment until I got to the living room and then I fell onto the couch Mark and that Christmas Eve, and burst into tears. Mark is gone. There is nobody here to celebrate with me, except my little chihuahua, Charlie.
My sadness over the split with Mark weighs heavily on me. We have admitted defeat, despite the brief rekindling of passion we saw during my first year of giving. The sparks didn’t last long, and we entered therapy together to attempt to work out our problems. We do not communicate well. Except for our honeymoon and a few brief months of reconnection, we had not been physically intimate more than ten times in over past year. Both of us were miserable.
We agreed to split up on November 1, 2009 – just one month after the 29 Gifts book was released.
Mark moved out that month while I was away at book launch events in San Francisco. I returned home to Los Angeles to a half-empty condo and the harsh realization that I was now on my own for the first time in more than five years. I had no car so relied on friends to get to appointments, to get groceries… for everything. My health took a nosedive. I began to have problems with severe depression. pain, weakness and balance problems. I was given a course of steroids to help reduce the inflammation in my nervous system. The steroids gave me physical relief, but caused a psychological crash. Once again, I found myself facing severe depression, triggered by the steroids and the loss of my marriage. I called my father at work one day at the end of December 2009.
“Daddy.” I whimpered to my father, 1500 miles away in Nebraska. “I need help. You need to come get me.”
I did not have to ask twice. My dad quickly organized and made the long drive in his truck.
I gathered a few friends to help us sort through my belongings, putting some things in storage and giving away the rest. By mid January 2009, I was settled back into my little old bedroom in my parent’s home. My mood continued to plummet and I lost touch with my daily giving practice and most of the other coping tools that helped me live a more healthy and positive existence.
I did not share my misery with anyone. Not a single mention of how sad and hopeless I felt passed my lips. I often slept sixteen hours a day and spent hours crying quietly in my small bedroom while my parents were asleep or out of the house.
On February 5, 2010 – the day before I turned 37 – I woke up wanting to die. I did not call for my mother or father or take myself to the doctor as I had in the past when I flirted with the dark demon of depression. Instead, I allowed myself to be wrapped in the dark fog as I reached for a bottle of pills by my bedside and proceeded to swallow every one. Then I closed my eyes and prayed for a drugged sleep to take me away from the difficult battles of my life. I felt calm for a few brief seconds until the reality of what I had done came over me and I reached for the phone. I called my ex-husband. He answered and I told him I was calling to say goodbye.
“How could you do this to me?” he screamed, and hung up the phone. He did not understand that I was doing this to myself, and I did not understand that my actions could have major impact on so many others.
Suddenly I wanted to live. Next, I called my friend Darshana, who is more practiced with dealing with people in crisis due to her work as a counselor. Darshana asked for my dad’s work phone number, and kept me on one line while she called my father. Once again, dad came to my rescue in his big Ford truck. I am lucky that Kimball, Nebraska is a tiny town because he brought me to the ER within fifteen minutes of swallowing the pills. My sister’s best friend was the head nurse on duty. When she was a child, I was her babysitter. She guided me protectively into the exam room as I gasped for air. "It was a mistake. I want to live."
“We are going to take care of you,” she reassured as she inserted a catheter and worked with the doctor to feed a tube down to my stomach. They pumped my stomach with saline and liquid charcoal. I was pliable, obeying their commands because I knew I didn’t want to die that day. Several quarts of liquid spilled out 25 whole, intact pills from my belly. I am hardly any of the medication had begun to be absorb. I escaped this episode without any permanent damage, except my shattered self-image.
With some serious help from my family and friends, by March 2010, I felt able to say yes to a number of speaking offers that had begun to flow in without any effort on my part. One of the first gigs I did was a fund-raising event for the Oklahoma MS Society. I gave the gift of my time and words to the audience of more than 600 women. I wrapped up my talk, stepped back from the podium and was overwhelmed when everyone in the room stood up and began clapping.
I remembered Michael’s words during my “practice” standing ovation, and allowed my heart to soften and feel that all is well. Never in my life have I felt so high. I waited a while for the audience to settle into their seats, but nobody sat down, so I walked off stage to the happy tune of 1,800 hands clapping.
Something shifted inside me that day because I realized how many people were hoping the best for me. This new awareness produced a deeper sense of safety and assurance as I recognized support comes not only from those we know and love, but sometimes from total strangers. Any help I need is always at my fingertips if I find the courage to reach out to others around me.
Cami, I have been moved so many times by your words in 29 Gifts, reading this story, this particularly dark time in your life, gave me a new respect for you. You have faced so many demons and continue to prove that life provides us with solutions and opportunities to grow, rebound, and heal; we just have to be open to them. Thank you for your willingness to share!
The gift of Marriage as a community event/Angel Stork, minister-officiator
“A life lived well, is an embodied promise and commitment to all” Elliot F. Eaton
Before equal rights in marriage came to California, San Francisco’s mayor made gay marriage legal in the city-county, and thousands rushed to get married before the legal machine would shut it down again. During one of those brief windows of open time, Rick and Elliott and I sat down for the first time to discuss their wedding ceremony. I could tell from that first glimpse into their personalities, their life together and their shared beliefs, this would be an unusual wedding ceremony.
We talked about the many ways we could bring their beliefs and vision together in words and simple rituals. They were already several steps ahead having chosen a location, some readings and some private rituals. I could see that my skills would best serve to fine-tune any idea already on the table. Working together, they transformed mundane rituals into sacred and created a context for ceremony where private intentions could bond with community.
Rick and Elliott are Buddhists in temperament as much as in practice, though they do not seem to be aligned with a particular temple or system. Rather, the ideals of Buddhism—non-attachment, loving kindness, and mindful, compassionate action—seem to permeate every choice.
I was not surprised to see the first draft of the ceremony: nearly complete without much adjustment or editing needed from me. Here is a reading from their ceremony that served to clarify their perspective.
“Serenity Found” by Beverly Sills
“We had found a kind of serenity, a new Maturity… we didn’t feel better or stronger than anyone else but it seemed no longer Important whether everyone love us or not – More important now was for us to love them. Feeling that way turns our whole life around, living becomes the act of giving.”
There are people (family) who would not attend the ceremony because they could not support a gay marriage. Rick and Elliott chose to accept them and make space for them anyway.
Gay and Lesbian couples live as a community within a community that largely chooses not to acknowledge their rights or accept their way of life. Within their ceremony, Elliott and Rick held a loving space for one community, choosing not be party to divisiveness, but to uphold their commitment to have compassion for all beings.
There are many who do not feel any support from their community to be openly partnered, let alone married. Rick and Elliott, overflowing with love and richly adored by their closest friends, chose to dedicate their own marriage to healthy and compassionate relationships for all.
“…Rick and Elliott rededicate their marriage to be a symbolic invitation, they give permission for those not currently partnered and for those who are enjoying a committed partnership, to hold a place of compassion for each other, our families, friends and community.”
Finally, after making their personal promises to each other, Elliott and Rick made their “I do” confirmations with Tibetan singing bowls-- “…by the sounding of the Bowl do you make this commitment for you, (each other) and the Entire Community?
Many of the weddings I perform have one couple as the center, one central idea summed up in statements and vows. After this ceremony, I began to serve more couples reaching beyond their personal focal points, and whether gay or not, looking for ways to include others in the ceremony, broadening the whole notion of commitment, appealing to the “village” to support the marriage.
I am fascinated to see who attends a wedding. We are not merely witnesses. Family and friends who gather to celebrate become participants in the “contract” created by the couple. We help them uphold the intention and reality of their marriage. Furthermore, couples have tremendous power to influence family and friends through the act of declaring and ritualizing their own beliefs and intentions.
Rick and Elliott have given me and their family and friends a rare gift—an opportunity to expand the love we feel for them toward all people, to transform the ideal of compassion into a living, breathing act of love. By opening the invitation to all beings, they opened the heart and intention of marriage to include even those who would scorn them. Abundant in love and hope, Rick and Elliott, through their marriage, have performed an ultimate act of charity for us all.
Please give two gifts to www.29Gifts.org today. Invite a friend to join us here today so we can grow. And submit a story for book two by the New August 30, 2016 deadline. Here are submission guidelines again. This is a 10th Anniversary edition of 29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life. The book turns 10 in October of 2018. My co-writer, Angel Stork, and I will are looking for new giving stories that are 1500-2000 words long. We already have a number of strong submissions, but want more accounts from you 29Gifters. To submit your story for the book, simply post it in the Great Giving Stories For Inspiration Discussion Forum here: http://follr.com/Communities/29Gifts/Discussion/20587 *Also email your story to 29Angels@gmail.com
Write a story of a single gift that helped you feel a sense of deep connection to the Global Giving Spirit. Tell us about a few gifts that taught you a life lesson. Reflect on how completing all 29 Gifts once, twice or more times changed your life. We want stories that show the transformative and somewhat magical experience of giving and receiving. Looking forward to reading your stories. For good examples, just visit the Discussion Forum link above. Or pull out your 29 Gifts book and read the nine stories in the back of the book. If you haven't read the book, it's available here. There's a free "look inside" pdf on www.amazon.com too. http://www.amazon.com/29-Gifts-Month-Giving-Change/dp/0738214302/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1463066676&sr=8-1&keywords=29gifts
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[Via Follr.com] Give one thing away each day for 29 days. Share your stories about how it impacts your life to focus on giving. Join the 29-Day Giving Challenge community today. Why? Because to see the world change, we have to do something to change the world. Plus, the best way to attract abundance into your life is to be in a perpetual state of giving and gratitude. Be an important part of the global giving movement that inspires more generosity on our planet.
The Gifts of Giving: Kindness as a Wellness Practice
In the summer of 2011, I’d been off antidepressants for more than a year, cigarette-free for eight months and had been building a toolkit of practices to help me find and maintain inner peace. I read about the 29-Day Giving Challenge, based on the book 29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life by Cami Walker. The premise was simple: Give something away each day for 29 days. I decided to give it a try.
By the end of the 29 days, my mood was better more consistently than it had been in a long time. The Challenge was such a powerful experience that I decided to do another 29-day round. And another. Of all the many (many, many) techniques I’ve used in my healing journey, giving is one of the most transformative, right up there with meditation and walking in nature.
>>>One late afternoon, I was going to leave chocolates with a note attached at a bus stop — what I later came to call a Random Act of Chocolate — but as I was crossing the street, I saw a woman who looked like she was having a rough day. I offered them to her, and at first, she looked perplexed. Once she understood it was a gift, she beamed — not at me, specifically, but at the idea that a stranger was doing something to make her day brighter.<<<
What ‘Giving’ Means
Giving isn’t about money. It can be, but the idea is to give whatever a person needs — time, attention, patience, money, help with a project, etc. The opportunities are infinite.
Mbali Creazzo, the medicine woman who prescribed the first 29-Day Giving Challenge to Cami Walker, says, “Give what feels scarce.” It works. Whatever is difficult for me to give, I get exponentially more joy from giving. When I didn’t have enough money to live on, even leaving a quarter on a wall where children walk — that felt awesome. If I’m feeling pressed for time, just pausing to let someone go in front of me feels expansive. If I’m lost in my own thoughts, stopping to take a photo of some tourists (who invariably are taking pictures in rotating combinations) gets me out of my head and into my heart.
This is an important distinction, too: Giving benefits both recipient and giver when it’s done from the heart. Giving because “I have to” doesn’t shift anything. It’s like the difference between being polite and being kind: One is obligation and a social construct; the other is organic and, well, heartfelt.
>>>A man whose face was etched by years on the street came up to me and stopped, a little unsteady on his feet. I immediately said, “I’m sorry, but I have nothing to give you today.” (That was the truth.) He said, “Oh, I don’t want anything from you! I’ve come to pay you back.” He pulled a small bunch of $5 and $10 bills out of his pocket — I’m guessing it was a day when Social Assistance was paid — and said, “A year ago, you gave me a gift card for the grocery store. And I want to repay you.” I thanked him and told him I couldn’t take it, that he didn’t owe me anything. He kept insisting that he did, so I said if he really wanted to repay me, to please give it to someone who needed it even more than he did. As I made my request, I referenced Ben, a local transient everyone knows — and this man looked me in the eyes and finished my sentence: “…Someone who really needs it. I know. You can feel it with your heart.” In that moment, his eyes were clear and bright; they shone with the joy of realizing that he had something to offer another person.<<<
There Are No Wrong Recipients
The purpose of a giving practice is to keep the flow of kindness and generosity going, not to decide who is a worthy beneficiary. When my ego starts getting involved (i.e., judging who should/shouldn’t get a gift), my energy constricts — the opposite of what happens when I give freely. For me, this exercise is about trust: there is enough, and I don’t have to micromanage the whole thing.
I’ve sometimes paid ahead for a random stranger’s ice cream cone at a mom and pop store, and I’ve asked the owners to choose the recipient (it’s fun to involve other people in giving). They told me they scrutinized everyone, because they wanted to make sure it went to someone who really needed it — someone who was counting change for a treat. Which is a noble idea — and certainly those people need the help more than others. But for me, it’s not about determining who deserves a treat. What if someone wealthy came in and received a free ice cream cone? It could inspire them to generosity, and the ripple effect might create even more giving in the world.
I generally haven’t minded giving cash to people living on the street, because I believe they know best what they need in that moment. I realize that what they think they need might be alcohol or drugs, and I’m okay with that. Who am I to judge? If I landed on the street, I have no idea what I might need to do to numb myself. It is only by grace that I’ve never been in that position. That said, addiction is a brutal thing, but withholding a few dollars from someone isn’t going to get them clean.
One of the things I hear most frequently is that people say they don’t want to give homeless people money that could be used on drugs or alcohol. In that case, gift cards for a local grocery store are a great gift and enable people to buy their own food. [In Canada, grocery stores don’t usually sell alcohol.]
Free will is one of the things that makes us human, yet for many living without basic necessities, the opportunity to exercise choice is rare — they eat what the soup kitchen has; they sleep wherever they feel least in danger (which is not to be confused with anything resembling safety). Being able to choose even as much as what kind of sandwich to eat can be a source of joy.
>>>One morning, I saw a tall, skinny man in his 50s with a grey-flecked scraggly beard, holding a sign saying he was hitchhiking across Canada and was hungry. Next to him was a fraying canvas, metal-frame backpack that might have had its heyday in the 1970s, with an old cotton sleeping bag attached to the bottom. I gave him a grocery gift card for $10. I explained what it was, and that he’d have to go another kilometer to the grocery store. Once it sank in, he began crying and laughing at the same time. He couldn’t stop saying thank you, over and over, even as he wiped his eyes on dirty sleeves. He told me he hadn’t eaten in two days. His joy was contagious, and I felt elated, expanded and tearful myself. It felt really good to be the vehicle for someone else’s miracle.<<<
Giving means relinquishing control. It’s possible that one of my gifts will go to somebody whose politics I’d find abhorrent, or whose behaviour I’d consider dodgy. The point is, we’re all connected, and that connectedness is more important than our differences.
Personal giving isn’t like giving to a charity, where you expect someone else to spend the money in a specific way, in line with your values. It’s not about the end result — what someone will or won’t do with a gift. It’s about the process. It’s about letting go and trusting.
Benefits of Giving I’ve benefitted from a giving practice in more ways than I can identify — and probably more than I’m even aware of.
Connection Giving gets me out of my head and takes the focus off me. As an extreme introvert and someone who spends a lot of time in solitude, it’s really easy for my mind to start in creating stories around situations in my life — and once it does that, I’m lost in a flight of thought until I remember to come back to the present moment (which, depending on the day… could be a long time).
By committing to give something away daily, I make a commitment to consciously place the focus on others. Every morning, when I wake up, instead of the usual litany of thoughts and fears, I’m driven by, “What can I give today?” It makes me pay attention to my surroundings, to look for opportunities to give (Does that woman looking at a map need directions? Maybe I can let that student get on the bus ahead of me. Is that elderly man at the register a few cents short?)
Appreciation We all have so, so much more than we realize, and nothing helps us see that better than giving. A year ago, I was in a freelance famine: I had less than $20 to my name and no work on the horizon; I was two months behind on rent and bills, and I was scared — a fear not entirely unfounded — of becoming homeless myself. Yet even then, I was able to find ways to give. I could listen — really listen — to someone I might otherwise have tuned out. I could send a thank-you email to someone, or a text to say “I’m thinking about you.” (I have Internet access! I have a phone! There are people who love me!) Every single time I give from my heart, I feel better. If I’m having a difficult day, that effect might only be for a second, but for that moment, it expands me.
Flow Every spiritual teaching I’ve ever come across has said that giving precedes receiving. The more I give with an open heart, the more I open myself to receive. That’s not why I give, but it’s proven true time and time again. Giving creates flow. It has to flow out before it can flow in. We have to make space for it.
This pattern, which has played out in my life innumerable times over the past three and a half years, has shown me without a doubt that we are all connected; ultimately, we’re all rays emanating from the same sun. When I withhold from someone else, I’m cutting myself off from the whole.
Giving shifts something in the universal fabric. Spending money on someone else has a different energetic charge than spending it on myself. Whenever I’ve given consciously, amazing things have come back to me in all areas of my life. It’s undeniable that there is a flow at work. But mostly, I give because it feels good. That doesn’t make it selfish. That makes it a win-win.
Since I began a giving practice, I have received so, so much, in so many areas of my life — and at first, I was hesitant to write about that. Embarrassed. In our culture, receiving help can be seen (by some) as a moral defect. Over time, I’ve become more comfortable with receiving because I recognize it as part of the flow, and because I know I’m actively contributing to that flow.
Many people are uncomfortable receiving, especially when it’s something they need, because they feel it makes them “less than” or a failure. It doesn’t. Money and status are both human constructs, and the idea that money equals status is a massively flawed human construct.
Happiness Performing acts of kindness boosts all kinds of feel-good brain chemicals: oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine. But here’s the thing: witnessing acts of kindness also boosts those neurotransmitters.
I didn’t fully appreciate this until I stood behind two women in line at the drugstore. One left the line to check on a price, and the other handed the cashier some money to pay for the purchase, then she walked away. When the first woman returned, the cashier told her the other woman had already paid. Both the cashier and I had assumed the two women were friends. It turns out they’d never met. The first was simply helping out someone who needed it in that moment. Just witnessing that act of kindness, I felt as giddy as I do when a gift really meets someone else’s need.
Healing the Past I was raised by a father who, from the time I was five or six, would ask every night, “What have you done today to justify your existence?” followed by, “What did you do for other people?” This wasn’t balanced with self-care; it was Puritanical self-denial. In a metaphysical sense, I now know that giving to other people is self-care — and maybe on a soul level (if not a personality one), that’s where he was coming from.
So for a long time, I hated the idea of giving, because it was tied up with all this family stuff. I didn’t want to give anything, because it felt like I had to. And I had that parent voice inside my head telling me I didn’t deserve anything, and I should spend my time and energy on someone else (pretty much anyone was more deserving).
I’ve heard variations on this family story from so many people, people who are kind and generous but balk at the idea of a giving practice, because they were raised to believe they didn’t deserve abundance. It was a zero-sum equation, and they’d always been left on the zero side.
If you give from a place of obligation, it doesn’t work; it doesn’t have the same impact. If you can find a way to give with an open heart, though, it can not only help you see what you have, but also the ways in which we’re all connected.
>>>One summer afternoon, as I was walking, a short, plump First Nations woman in her 30s — who looked much older from her hard life — came up to me and said, in an earnest and almost girlish voice, “I don’t mean to be a pest, but I’m homeless.” She didn’t even ask for money. It broke my heart. I looked into her eyes and said, “You’re not a pest,” and she began to cry.
I told her she could always ask for help, and if I could help her, I would, but that I didn’t always have money myself. One time, she quietly asked me for a hug. I’m not a touchy-feely person — I can count on two fingers the number of people I’m comfortable hugging — yet for some reason, I felt no hesitation in obliging her request. Sometimes we’d talk for a few minutes, and I could see the sparkling eyes behind the traumas that life had dealt her. She just wanted to be seen. One day, I told her that I was sorry, but I didn’t even have money for my own food — and she tried to give me a few coins.<<
See the Human As humans, we are so hungry for acknowledgment, and people living on the margins often are discarded as Other. Even if you can’t or don’t want to give someone money, try to see the human being behind the pain. (It’s difficult — acknowledging that amount of pain brings with it, well, pain, as well as guilt — which often quickly gives way to blaming: “He must be an addict; she must’ve done something to get kicked out of her apartment.” Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t. It’s not my place to judge.)
One of my pacts with myself is that, whenever anyone on the street asks me for money, regardless of whether I have it, I do my best to look into their eyes. If I don’t have money to give, I tell them that, but I try not to make them feel bad for asking. I can’t begin to imagine the humiliation involved in having to ask random strangers for money. Being in a position where there’s no other option than to ask for help is not a comfortable place. I know how Other I felt when I didn’t have enough to eat, when my only clothes were tattered and torn; I didn’t feel like a member of the human race. I remember how judged I felt by many people, because I’d been successful and then…I wasn’t, at least by society’s definition.
The woman who ran the ice cream shop used to think that I must be wealthy, to pay for a stranger’s ice cream cone. In fact, it’s the other way around: Giving has made my life richer.
Hanging inside my bathroom door is on old poster, with torn and dog-eared edges. It illustrates a poem on top of an image of Vincent van Gogh’s Starry Nights. I see the poster almost every morning as I get ready for the day, and love the positive message it affords me when I take the time to embrace it.
The poem, Desiderata - by Max Ehrmann reminds me how to conduct myself in order to remain happy and content. The first block of the poem is the foundation of my Giving Story and goes like this: “Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.”
My gift is the gift of listening. Listening completely can be a very difficult task, as my attention is always being tugged in various directions by family, friends, hobbies, business, and ego.
I imagine my listening ability like a dog on a leash. The person holding the leash is the person I should be listening to – following their words with my entire being. But alas - my mind wanders. My attention resembles my dog’s nose, which seems to get yanked from one interesting smell to another against her will, pulling against the leash that is so firmly resisting her escape. It takes a curiously intense effort for me to focus all my attention on the words that are flowing toward me, and ignore the wonderful smells that are vying for my attention. But I try. I really try.
Lately I am getting better at being a good listener. Giving the gift of my whole attention – partially because I want people to listen to me! I am not the most articulate person, and seem to have trouble forming my thoughts into words when I need to the most. I have come to the startling conclusion that “the dull and the ignorant” in Ehrmann’s poem, is a label that could easily be affixed to me – not because I am really that dull and ignorant, but because I am not a good talker. As a result, I have had my fair share of being ignored and interrupted and I really feel disrespected when that happens. Nevertheless, I catch myself interrupting others! Usually because I think I know what they are going to say, and my ego wants to be heard… Or I listen, but don’t really hear, because my mind is busy sniffing other things. Receiving the gift of a friend’s undivided attention is such a great feeling, which encourages me to remember to give the gift of my undivided attention. Likewise, I don’t want to ignore others, because I know how that feels. When I find someone “dull” or “ignorant”, I think of Desiderata, and know that everyone has their story.
The gift of practicing being a better listener has manifested in so many wonderful ways. For one, I am more patient and empathetic. My aging parents have this annoying tendency to repeat themselves and this has been going on for years. I used to get very impatient when my dad would start off on a story that he has already told me, and I would interrupt him with the statement, “Yes, I know - you already told me about that.” Or my Mom will not let me finish my sentence, and she interrupts me to share a similar experience, thought or perception. Gawd! How that irritates me!
Well, there is no better teacher than one’s own experience, and I recently realized that I do the same thing with my kids. I have caught my mind wandering as my son tells me a story, and later, I ask him a question that I should already know the answer to – but do not – because I wasn’t listening. He says, “Mom, we already talked about this!” And suddenly I am ashamed and embarrassed, because I realize I wasn’t listening. I also catch myself interrupting my daughter mid-sentence, because I think I know where her story is going, and I have a need to help her find a solution to a problem that I don’t even fully understand, because I did not let her finish. She has no problem asking me to let her finish before jumping to conclusions. And again, I feel so bad. How can I interrupt people like that, when I know how rude it is? I have found that being a good listener takes a lot of discipline and practice, and most difficult of all, it requires putting a muzzle on my ego.
I have also become keenly aware of how technology has the potential to impede my ability to be a good listener. Cell phones and computers are always nearby and it is so sad how people can be sitting in the physical presence of loved ones, but focused on their electronic devices instead of the beautiful people right there next to them. I see it happening all the time, wherever I go, and I am also guilty of doing it. This morning, I was talking to a friend on the phone, and sitting in front of my computer. As we chatted, I was “multi-tasking” and doing some research online. Seriously, I know that my full attention is not being given to my friend when I am also focusing on the computer. That is disrespectful and wrong – and just another opportunity for me to work on being a better listener.
Yesterday my daughter shared with me that when she is with a friend, she ignores her cell phone. She said that she has been reprimanded by the ignored caller for not answering her phone, and her reply is always, “I was with someone!” Period. I think that is extremely wise! As a Mom, I have adopted the habit of wanting to be available for my kids whenever they need me, but that has created a situation of being tethered to my cell phone. I am doing better at not answering, letting people leave messages, and calling them back when it is appropriate, but I also need to stay off the computer when I am on the phone. Finally – who invented call waiting? Have you ever been on the phone and had someone interrupt your conversation because they had another call coming in that was apparently more important than you? I have, and I have also been guilty of doing just that. Today, I try to ignore incoming calls when I am already talking with someone. I am lucky to have grown up in a time before cell phones and even before answering machines, because I know it’s possible to survive without having instant access to everyone. Our technology is a gift of the times, but can also be a curse. A phone call or a computerized message should never take precedence over personal face-to-face time with my loved ones.
I work on being a better listener every day, and I know I am getting better, because my kids are not as often irritated with me for ignoring them or forgetting what they told me. I still get irritated with my parents when they repeat themselves, or interrupt me, but now, I usually just let them talk and try really hard to be patient and tolerant. I remind myself that they are getting older, and someday I want my kids to have the same patience with me when dementia is knocking on my door or even taken up residency in my memory banks. Finally, I want my interactions with the people I am with to always come before electronic networking, web-surfing, and even phone calls. If I want people to listen to me, I have to start by giving that gift of my full, undivided attention.
Cami’s book, 29 Gifts in 29 Days really made me stop and think about what I “give” to others on a daily basis. As Cami points out, gifts do not have to cost money and can come in countless forms. Max Ehrmann’s poem, Desiderata – helps me remember the very important gifts I can give – including the gifts to myself which really are life-changing and result in a life that is cheerful and happy… Simply by doing the right thing.
Hi Jenny...I can't see the last line of your story. would you please email the story to me. I want to make sure I have it all (I think there is some sort of follr thing that sometimes cuts off the last line or two. Also, if we put line spaces after a lot of text, the site thinks it's the end of the text. Anyway, thanks, Angel
In the Raspberries... For a time, I lived in a small town in Alaska while I was pregnant with my third child. I had gone to the Kenai Peninsula to teach meditation and energy healing, do readings and run church services for the 50-odd folks who welcomed us into their town and their lives. My days were full—working as a part time preschool teaching assistant slash animal tamer and preparing for the four different levels of classes I would teach each week. Evenings I was in class, or doing readings or keeping notes on what had transpired during classes and sessions with students. I seemed to have very little time to myself or for the baby growing inside me. So, I walked every day, even in the heart of winter, enjoying every moment in the beautiful, vast outdoors.
One day, having some free time between tasks, I took myself to a raspberry patch in a partially wooded (“brushed” would be a more apt description for places above the tree line) area outside of town. A light rain fell around me and seemed to heighten the sweet scent of ripening berries. Pick 2, eat 1 is my method. As each luscious berry melted on my tongue, I felt all my life concerns slipping away. I could not have been happier.
Licking my paws, it occurred to me that I was trespassing in the back yard of the black bear, a very nosy and aggressive omnivore, known to carry small children out of schoolyards for a mid-day snack. I realized that if a bear approached, I would not hear it for the soft rain landing in the bush and grasses around me. I was very pregnant and could not outrun a mouse, let alone a fast-moving angry bear.
Then it hit me: If this is to be my last day, I’m okay with that. I’d rather die with the taste of raspberries in my mouth than go any other way. I smiled and went back to picking 2, eating 1 without a care in the world.
I love remembering that moment because it continues to teach me about being present. And, being present, I am happy. I feel certain that my happiness in the berry patch did not obliterate or diminish my survival instincts; indeed they were very much alive and functioning. Being present is being fully alive in the moment, tuning in with all faculties. Had there been real danger, I would have sensed it through intuition and awareness (my first 5 senses being much engaged at the time). Being present brings a confidence of knowing, usually not present in other states of being.
As we in this community know, giving induces a similar state of excitement for being. Making a habit of generosity enables us to recollect our sense of self from wherever we have been in life, and re-charges our batteries for where we are going. In his wonderful book, Why Good Things Happen to Good People, Steven Post writes: “In the giving of self lies the unsought discovery of self. In other words, when we give, we find our true selves.”
The Transformative Power of My 29 Days of Giving By: Carol Nadasen
Finding the book “29 Gifts” was, itself, a gift. Before I set off on a recent road trip to Michigan, I stopped at the library. It’s rare for me to have numerous hours in the car alone! I had but a few minutes to look through the audio books, so I used the technique that usually works for me when I’m shopping a great clearance sale in a few spare moments: “What is calling out to me?”
“29 Gifts” presented itself, and I checked it out. I was hooked when the author began her story by relating her MS diagnosis. I’m a clinical massage therapist and bodyworker, and have worked with MS clients since day one of home practice as a bodywork student 14 years ago. I have a lot of compassion for my clients, and I help them maintain mobility the best way I can. My career is one of giving. I help a lot of people, and I’m very good at what I do.
For ten years, I was a single mother of two. During those years, I worked, volunteered at school, led a Mom’s group and gave my children as much time and attention as I could until they went to bed each night. We vacationed with friends and family, achieved family goals, and had a fulfilling life. After ten years in an abusive marriage, being a single mom was a cinch.
When I got remarried and had two more children, I instantly forgot how to live, and regressed to reacting. My personal culture of thinking of everyone else first grew into a monster that devoured all my energy. I recognized the lack of joy and the bitter that accompanied every sweet. My journal entries are full – not of amazing giving experiences--but of exasperated questions like, “when will I feel loved? What am I afraid of? Why am I holding back, as if I’m going to be sucked dry? How can I live proactively?”
My need to do something different in my thinking and actions peaked during the past six months. I’d been working hard to overcome stuck ways as an alternative to giving up on my marriage. Like many others who are overcoming “co-dependent” living, I discovered the birthplace of being sucked dry was my undefined self.
Part of the healing process is to learn to identify, “What do I think? What do I need? What do I feel?” Then, to find the courage to speak this unnatural language--with conviction--with the people who knew me the best. I took pride in caring about what everyone else feels, thinks and needs. Discerning my own voice seemed selfish and took an inordinate amount of time and energy. I was feeling weary of this hard work when I began the 29 Gifts challenge. Treat depletion with more giving? I’ll try it.
We co-dependents are a bunch of over-givers, giving to everyone all the time at the expense of ourselves and typically feel continually unappreciated. While I am very good at giving in this habitual way, I was astonished to discover that I am not very good at intentionally giving from the heart. I keep the treasures in my heart safely guarded away from others, and just experience them secretly.
I began the challenge on April 14, 2016. On my second day, I gave a bouquet of daffodils from my garden. I picked a small bouquet and put them in a cute plastic vase. I gave them to the woman who works at my gym. I look forward to her warm welcome. I’m intrigued: how does she seem to personally know everyone? I take mental notes on how she shows great interest in the gym patrons. She’s the first person I thought of giving something to. When I delivered the gift, I found myself handing it over like a little kid giving a grownup dandelions from the yard…”these are for you”… but I didn’t tell her why I’d thought of her. I felt really sheepish. She was a gracious and boisterous recipient, and thanked me for making her day.
However, my feeling of shame persisted. I remembered experiencing this same feeling as a small child. I had taken my nickels and shopped the neighbors’ garage sales to buy gifts for my parents and four siblings. I couldn’t find something for my Dad, so I did what I’d seen him do when he tried to give spontaneously to five kids: give one the money, if a suitable souvenir wasn’t available.
I put the gifts on their dinner plates and put the nickel I wanted to spend on my Dad under his plate. I explained to him that I couldn’t find something for him, so he could look under his plate for a surprise. My mom loved her bud vase, and still has it. I don’t remember my siblings’ reactions, except that my goofy little brother was happily intrigued with his new little toy.
I imagined my Dad would glow with pride, recognizing I had used his very own fairness technique. Instead, he sweetly declined the gift and gave it back to me. Heat quickly rose from my shoulders to the top of my head, creating hot eyes full of tears. I focused on staring down and not blinking, to keep those tears from dropping in a noticeable way.
I spent time understanding and journaling about how this event may have begun a journey towards detachment. Many subsequent life experiences confirmed that giving with my heart unattached was a safe and rational way to live. On Day three, I wrote “Do I always live, just shy of feeling the feelings that go with it? I’m grateful, and that’s good enough? I just ‘know’ I love, and that’s good enough? I just know we’re having a nice time, and hold at that?”
On day four, I created a beautiful card for someone I love, and expressed my true feelings in writing. I noticed later, I stopped short of the tears when writing, suppressing the same feelings within myself that I wanted someone else to know.
I have studied my reflections from day six many times since I journaled. Here is part of it:
Have I lost momentum and need to start over? No – this is probably exactly the deep nature of why I need to take this giving challenge.
I want to learn to connect. I want to live life and register the people and events in my memories with feelings. I want to overcome my fears, whatever they may be. Overcome my pride. Overcome my reserve. This is what I have unknowingly been praying about for years.
God, thank you for this challenge, and I pray help me give with gratitude, connection, feelings and generosity. I’m learning how to connect with people from a proactive-giving place instead of interacting solely as a reaction to someone else’s initiative.
Somewhere in this 29 days, I’m to give something I never thought I could part with. How about my ever-present shield of fear, pride and detachment?
So, what to put out there? What, instead of afraid, proud and disconnected? (and then I spent quite a while looking up antonyms and definitions on my phone!) Self-confident: trusting in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgment Humble: a small and intended part of a much greater whole Open: allowing access, passage or a view through an empty space, not closed or blocked Connected: joined together so as to provide access and communication.
I knew that this is the one gift I needed to give – to myself – that I never even knew I could part with. When I’m feeling stuck in old patterns, I breathe in the new and out the old: In – trusting my abilities. Out – fear. In – trusting in my qualities. Out – second-guessing. In- trusting in my judgment. Out – fear. In- humility. Out – pride. In – I have a place in a much greater whole. Out – fear and hiding. In – God means for me to have this place in the much greater whole. Out – self-reliance. In – Openness, allow people to see me. Out – fear. (etc.)
During the remaining 23 days, I experimented with giving tangible gifts, encouragement, eye contact, time, money…. I had not lost momentum: I had begun to experience the momentum of good energy, life energy that can come from connecting with confidence, humility and openness.
Day 28 was my birthday. I wasn’t sure what my gift would be, since my youngest daughter made sure everyone she talked to that day knew it was my special day. I received smiles and birthday wishes all day. My daughter led a singing parade after school, in which several other children joined in. I tried out being a boisterous and gracious recipient, which actually felt like giving a gift.
When my neighborhood friend’s daughter heard it was my birthday, she made me two special cards, and hand delivered them with a bunch of tulips. I said thank you. She was standing straight as a board, looking at the floor when she blurted “you’re welcome” in her raspy little voice. Then I recognized the glow waiting to happen, the same glow I anticipated from my Dad when I gave him my precious nickel.
“Did you make these yourself!?” I began to gush. She nodded, smiling with her whole face. “Wow! Look at all these letters and numbers! You must have spent a lot of time writing all these numbers in such a cool pattern! “ She was standing straight, but glanced at me for a moment and continued to burst with a smile that couldn’t get any bigger. “And all these words! I knew you were a good speller, but I didn’t know you knew so many words!” She made eye contact, “I know.” “Oh, thank you so much! These are so precious to me! I’m going to keep them forever! And I love the flowers! They’re beautiful!!!” I was getting more boisterous, and she was filling up with helium as the glow-fest grew.
By the time she left, she was hugging me and blowing kisses. A few days later, when I had her over while her mom was working, I invited her to have a little girl time with me on my favorite yard swing. The conversation seemed short to me, but it was a long enough moment to blow away the dark cloud of crankiness she rode in on. She blew me kisses when her mom picked her up. “You’re beautiful!” she shouted, as she got in her car to leave.
“Whose child is THIS?” laughed her mom, as she left to take her home. This is a budding relationship, I realized. And in my little friend’s raspy voice, I heard my mind shout, “I DID IT!” I connected. Receiving was my gift that day. What I received in return was priceless.
I treated my lifelong questions as designated companions: “When will I feel loved? What am I afraid of? Why am I holding back…?” I don’t know how it’s possible, but I didn’t expect people to be involved in the answers to these questions.
I grew strong arms from taking the initiative to give from my heart, arms strong enough to begin climbing out from under the tonnage of life’s debris. In my new field of vision, I see there are many loving arms waiting to help pull me out the rest of the way. I am freed to help them, too.
I am fortunate to live, work and socialize amid a community of generous, conscious folks in West Sonoma County, California. It is not uncommon for a visiting friend to bring a gift of canned local fruit, fresh picked flowers, or a bag of apples or zucchini or tomatoes from the garden. Many of my friends are also inspired givers, like Teresa, who surprised me one day with the gift of a turquoise pashmina shawl. Teresa is known for her many talents, great humor and compassion, and also for her shawls. She has given me several over the years, one exquisitely beautiful Pashmina she brought back from Italy. She really gets my colors, too, especially teal, turquoise and purple. The turquoise pashmina became my go-to wrap for cool evenings, kept my neck warm all winter and my knees warm while meditating.
Last week I went to an unusual women’s business meeting in Santa Rosa. My friend Ann highly recommended this group of women doing conscious work in the world, so I registered online and started thinking about “business casual” dress and how to make that happen. It was going to be hot, in the 90’s, but I thought we might be in cold air conditioning all day, and I should bring a light sweater or over-blouse to manage the indoor chill. The turquoise shawl called to me several times. But I kept trolling my closet for more “appropriate” outerwear. At the last minute, I grabbed the shawl. It might be too casual for “business” but I loved it and it would be comfortable. What an amazing meeting! Our hosts, partners in success coaching for women, led us in a breathing meditation, two really different and fun networking exercises, and answered a few life questions by “channeling” through healing guides and divining cards. We were treated to wonderful raw snacks designed and created by one of the women in the group. The guest speaker, Lisa, spoke gently about love and consciousness, and led us through three brief meditation-like journeys to reconnect us to our true, internal sources of love. After the meditations, Lisa asked for comments. Cindy Jarrett, sitting at a nearby table, spoke about her experience: she remembered herself as a baby seeing the color turquoise in her environment, really being drawn to it, loving its subtle vibrancy and by noticing the color, feeling-sensing her self as a whole person for the first time. Her moving recollection reminded me of my child-self, of times when I was fully aware and awake to my self, with a glimpse of not only who I was/am, but who I might become. Something stirred in me, an urge without words or thought or attachment. I suddenly knew that my turquoise shawl was ready to travel. After the meeting adjourned, I approached Cindy and we introduced ourselves. I told her how her story resonated with me, and that I was urged from inside to give her something. As I helped to wrap the shawl around her shoulders, a big smile lit up her whole face and sparkled her eyes, adding unexpected emotion to her gratitude. Just writing and remembering our encounter has me smiling again, my heart light and happy. Cindy, who loves turquoise, also loves and lives with horses. She knows about “horse energy” and leads a chanting group with her husband. I am intrigued; we are now connected and will meet again soon. Cindy Jarrett is a Communications and Relationship Consultant. Learn more about her work and Horse Medicine at http://www.DesigningAccess.biz
My Mission Bringing High Functioning Adults Emotional Education and Development for Becoming an Emotionally Mature, Spiritual Adult, and for Relationship Success withConscious Tools, Structures and Practices.